Chloe Harper

Joni creates a reason for Tom to sue her for custody

2008-05-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Joni bought a coop in her daughter's school system. The first night in her new coop, Joni knocked on her neighbor's door at 2am. When the nanny opened the door (the owners both worked nights), Joni pushed her way into the apartment and attempted to engage her in conversation, asking the nanny if she would baby-sit for her daughter. Joni stumbled through the apartment, knocking things over, and awakened the two young girls the nanny was sitting for, one of whom went to school with Joni's own daughter. Joni kissed the frightened girls and promised them presents and candy. When the mother returned the next morning, the nanny told her what transpired. The owner of that apartment happened to be friends with a close friend of Tom's girlfriend. In the weeks following, similar stories evolved regarding Joni's behavior, from other neighbors in the complex. Tom was now prepared to sue Joni for custody of their daughter.

7: Joni attermpts to relocate

2008-05-22T04:45:00.000-07:00

During a conference with their attorneys to discuss the divorce stipulation, Joni informed Tom that she was moving to a different town a half hour away, requiring their daughter to attend a new school. Tom was shocked. He told Joni that he would get a new apartment so the daughter would not have to change schools. (Tom lived only minutes away from Joni, but out of the child's school district.) Joni made it clear that she intended for the child to go to a different school. Tom's girlfriend had children that went to the same current school as Tom and Joni's daughter. Joni warned the girlfriend that she would control Tom by relocating. At the time, Tom did not think it was a viable threat. But when Tom asked his attorney, the surprising answer was that Tom could not stop her. This is when Tom found out that he and Joni did not technically share joint custody, as he believed. Tom and Joni *did* have joint legal custody, and an arrangement where they shared equal time, in fact, the child had always spent the majority of time with Tom; however, this was agreed upon by the parties themselves, and was not written in Tom and Joni's divorce agreement. The agreement stated that Joni had "primary residence" of the child. Primary residence, which is the address of the child, goes to the custodian of the child, and can dictate who pays child support to whom. When Tom asked his attorney how this could happen, his attorney admitted that he never thought the language in the agreement was that essential, because Tom always had what he wanted...the time with his daughter. Noone ever expected Joni, who never had any interest in the child, to attempt to remove the child from an environment where she was so dependent on Tom. Now faced with the facts of the agreement, Tom asked Joni to do what was best for their daughter by remaining in the town where they all lived. Joni told Tom it would "take more money" for her to stay. In the end, Joni received a letter from Tom's attorneys stating that Tom would file for custody of the child if Joni attempted to remove her from the community. Joni, who had cause for concern, backed down and promised to stay. Tom knew that Joni was unstable, and worried that she would continue to abuse the agreement he so tragically misunderstood.

Understand the terms of your agreement. Legal custody and physical custody are not the same thing. Primary residence may seem like nothing more than an address, but you and your ex spouse can share joint legal and physical custody, and child support can swing to the person with primary residence. You and your ex spouse can decide anything you want together; but if you can't agree, you are controlled by the language in your agreement. My ex and I included language in our stipulation of divorce that neither of us can live more than thirty minutes away from our children's school without permission from the other, or permission from the court. Joni and Tom did not address this issue in their agreement, making it possible for Joni to uproot their child. In the end Joni felt compelled to stay; however, we can not predict what a judge would have ordered had the issue gone to court. This goes for anything you do not address in your stipulation. Anything you leave vulnerable is fair game, and to address it later is costly and involves petitioning the court.

6: Tom starts dating

2008-05-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Shortly after Tom and Joni set their stipulation on the record, Tom began dating someone. As Tom’s new relationship became more serious, Joni became more irate. Joni harassed Tom with incessant phone calls, leaving ranting messages. Joni’s inappropriate demands continued. When she moved to an apartment, Joni had air conditioners installed in every room except her daughter’s bedroom. She then called Tom and asked him to come to her apartment to install an air conditioner “for their daughter”. When he refused she attacked him by smacking him across the face at their daughter’s school picnic. One afternoon, Joni parked outside Tom’s girlfriend’s house, with their daughter in the car, and called Tom’s cell phone until he came out of the house. Joni rolled the windows of her car down and had their daughter ask Tom why he was there instead of with Joni and her daughter.

It is difficult, but leave the emotion out of it. You will thank yourself later when you have held on to your dignity. Treat your ex the way you would treat a difficult co-worker, or someone else that you are forced to deal with in a situation where it would be completely unacceptable to behave in any way but civil. And leave your children out of it. The worst thing you can do is involve your children in your relationship with your ex. If you are not concerned with how it will affect your child, certainly concern yourself with how it will affect you in court when your child is interviewed.

5: Tom and Joni's post divorce relationship

2008-05-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

Joni often forfeited her time with their child, and regularly called Tom by Saturday afternoon of her weekends because she “needed a break”. Joni used the schedule and their daughter to control Tom’s time, often calling Tom immediately following his work day to ask him to perform such simple tasks as changing light bulbs for her. If Tom refused, Joni accused him of not caring about their daughter. Tom made the mistake of giving in to many of Joni’s demands, which only encouraged Joni to continue to behave poorly, but he felt that he was doing it for his daughter. Tom was concerned when their daughter began emulating Joni’s “bratty” behavior, and had growing concerns about Joni’s ability to adequately care for their daughter, but was resolved to “deal with the situation” because he did not feel that Joni would be able to handle custody proceedings. Tom did not want to be responsible for Joni harming herself, because she was the mother of his child. Tom felt that, as low functioning as Joni was, his daughter needed an intact mother.

If your husband doesn't take out the garbage, you can yell at him. If you
ask your ex husband to take out your garbage, you are helping him to build a
case against you. When you are divorced, you are no longer married...you
must find or create a healthy boundary. The sooner you accomplish this,
the better.

4: Tom and Joni's initial agreement

2008-05-19T04:45:00.000-07:00

The divorce was somewhat uneventful. Monies were split 50-50, a forensic accountant determined the value of Tom's private practice and how much Joni was entitled to, the house was put on the market, and they agreed to joint custody of the child of the marriage. Wanting “out of it” Tom agreed to give Joni substantially more child support than she was owed. Tom in fact agreed to a lot of things that would not have been awarded to Joni by a court. Tom was instructed to pay Joni for some things he did not agree to, such as an additional monthly sum for an expensive hairpiece that Joni’s attorney argued was a pre existing medical condition, and additional childcare that Joni claimed she needed to work full time, even though Joni had quit her full time job during the couples engagement fifteen years prior, and was only working a few hours a week at the time of the divorce.

Of paramount importance: protecting yourself with the language in your
agreement. Regarding Joni's childcare, Tom's attorney should have included language compelling Joni to furnish a work schedule as proof of her need for said childcare. Joni's attorney simply stated that she would tell Tom how much extra money she needed, which she demanded of Tom in greater and greater amounts. Consequently, none of the money that Tom dished out for this additional childcare was for the hours that Joni worked. It would have been costly for Tom to fight the issue in court after-the-fact, though he likely would have won. Likewise, Tom agreed to pay Joni three hundred dollars a month for maintenance of her hairpiece; however, Joni stopped using a hairpiece a year into the agreement, and kept the monthly sum as de facto alimony. Tom's attorney should have included language terminating the payments meant for the hairpiece in the absence of the hairpiece. Without that language, Tom can still fight the issue, and would probably win; however, he does not wish to return to court over a hairpiece, or spend the money trying to get his money back.

3: Tom and Joni separate

2008-05-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

Tom and Joni's precariously balanced marriage teetered with the birth of the baby. Joni suffered post partum depression and refused to even hold the baby, and Tom was forced to hire full time care for the infant. Joni began medicating herself with illegal prescriptions she stole from Tom's pad, and was out-of-control binge drinking. At work, Tom was barraged with phone calls from the caretakers he hired, who voiced concerns about Joni...specifically about leaving the child alone with her. Joni had difficulties with the nannies. Most of them were fired or walked out as a result of Joni's increasingly erratic behavior. When Tom wasn't working, he took care of the baby. He spent most weekends at the Jersey Shore with the baby, away from Joni. Joni spent time in a private hospital after attempting to commit suicide by drinking carpet cleaner. The couple attended marital counseling and agreed to use a mediator to divorce. Tom moved out. They agreed on a joint arrangement, having equal time with their daughter, though the child spent the majority of her time with Tom, and still had caregivers during her time with Joni. Joni retained a private attorney and filed for divorce. Shortly after Tom moved out, he was notified that the police had been to Joni's home after the nanny found Joni passed out, drunk, on the kithen floor, with a burner running on the stove. The child was unsupervised in the house, at the time.

If you think your marriage has an expiration date and you want to keep your children, be mindful of your actions. Remember the Nanny Diaries? People you hire to work in your home are privy to your private life. Having a nanny testify against you will be very damaging to you.

2: Tom and Joni at home

2008-05-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

Joni had numerous issues including alcoholism, abuse of prescription drugs, and bipolar disorder. The marriage had its own issues. Tom and Joni shared an address, but lived separate lives. Tom worked long hours during the week, and spent weekends at his house on the Jersey Shore. Joni stayed behind and kept to herself. They were physically intimate on rare occasion and went as long as five years without having sex. Tom had always wanted children. The year of their tenth anniversary, Tom told Joni he wanted to leave her, and Joni said she was finally ready for a child. That year they had a baby girl.

Having children is never the answer to a troubled marriage.

1: Tom & Joni meet and get married

2008-05-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Tom and Joni met when Joni’s mother had a chiropractic emergency. Tom, a chiropractor, was covering for Joni’s mother’s doctor when Joni’s mother recognized Tom as the son of her former neighbors of years past. Tom had been living in Chicago, and moved back to NY when his father became terminally ill, and his father had recently passed away. Still grieving and feeling displaced, Tom welcomed the reconnection when Joni contacted him a few days after he treated her mother, and they went on a date. Tom describes the courtship as nothing special, and feels that he was drawn into the relationship because of “the place” he was in his life. Joni claims that Tom gave her an ultimatum. She was unhappy as a social worker and complained about her job until Tom told her to quit and marry him. Tom says he questioned his engagement and impending marriage, but believed it was already too late to back out. He describes feeling ill and crying on his wedding day. They were married for fifteen years.

If you find yourself questioning your marriage and
feeling sick about it, it may be more than cold feet.